BIGWELL STILL ADJUSTING TO LIFE OUTSIDE THE CAN
• Bigwell, the decrepitly sour bad wolf, has been out of prison for nearly a year but is still struggling to find his footing within the Final Boss’ cadre of minibosses
• Bigwell became infamous around the turn of the 20th century when he slaughtered a grandma and three pigs over 3 days in what is now known as the Puffinghood Massacre
• His second act was serving as main enforcer for the Final Boss during his first sour reign in the 1940s, committing horrific atrocities in the name of souring life for ordinary Gooberlandians
• When the Final Boss was defeated and his essence relegated to an expired pickle jar tossed into the depths of Eldergloom Forrest, Bigwell was put on trial for war crimes and sentenced to an eternity in a sunless prison pit
• Wary of his age and his loyalty, The Final Boss waited 18 months from his sour-fisted return to power to pardon Bigwell and appoint him Miniboss of Sour Apple Level 4
• The transition from prison life back to public service has been rocky. Snitches tell The Gazette that Bigwell routinely mauls the other minibosses at cabinet meetings and has yet to move his workflows and comms to the Final Boss Microsoft Teams account
• The other goons are afraid to collaborate with him due to his cataract-ridden stare and foam-mouthed spats of “old man violence”
• But while his coworkers complain, The Final Boss seems pleased with Bigwell’s results as Hank and Quinnie have yet to defeat the Torture Orchard Level and customers routinely complain that his apples are too eye-wateringly sour
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WINCESS WENDY DELIVERS SOUR FRUIT TO BORED SNACKERS OF GEORGETOWN, KY
• In a city ruled by lameness…a hero emerges
• Wendy Mapleton (51) has had an awful first 8 months as an emptynester
• When her youngest daughter Kaylee left for KU in the fall her marriage, social life and whole raison d’etre were on the brink of total collapse
• Then one day in April as she was weeping and sniffing Kaylee’s stuffies, she found an old wrapper for Final Boss Sour Punch-Out Peaches Level 2 in her wastebasket
• She remembered how much her daughter loved the natural sour candy and thought that she could bring the same joy to others
• So she ordered 45 Level Up Bundles and added a frilly pink adult sized princess costume to her cart (assist to Amazon for the ‘frequently bought with’ tag)
• She cooked up a backstory about using her princess powers to rescue the villagers from bland, chemically-engineered gummies and skipped through the streets handing out Souranges and Coladas to anyone willing to open their door to the lipstick-smeared enchantress
• 6 weeks in, she’s reached hero status as candy lovers young and old listen for the jingle of her dog tags and watch for the wincing smiles of sour-struck snackers along her route
| LIVE SCENES FROM GOOBERLAND |
| ● LIVE | GOOBERLAND CAM 1 |
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| Quarterly cabinet meeting adjourned 14 minutes early |
| Torture Orchard, Gooberland |
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