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In a recurring series, The Gazette delves into the personalities of Gooberland's minibosses. In today's episode, reporter W. Andrew Newport Kennedy profiles Bumpy, the feral albino humpback of the Zing of Fire and miniboss of Yuzu Pineapple Level 4
• W. Andrew Newport Kennedy: Avast, great Bumpy. And prepare to recount thine adventures!
• Bumpy: Heh, what?
• WANK: Thou remainest alone, with neither friend nor family, in the enclosed waters of the Zing of Fire. How came thee to such a solitary sea?
• B: Oh. The Final Boss needs me to maintain order and prevent the rebels from getting their paws on these yuzu-soaked level 4 pineapples
• WANK: My sources tell me thy pod forsook thee weeks before the Final Boss ever enlisted thee. Was it they who cast thee off, or wert thou already bound for a lonelier course?
• B: Bro. Just because I'm an albino whale doesn't mean you have to talk to me like that
• WANK: Was it for thy blemished hide that thy company cast thee off?
• B: No! I pulled cows and was captain of the Baleen Blubbers before…
• WANK: Before what, pray tell?
• B: Before the open seas got all sour. To be honest, I'm terrified. At least here the lava burns off the sulfur and the volcano enclosure provides a safe space
• WANK: How curious it is that thou shouldst serve the Final Boss as the cure for the ever-souring seas, when it was he himself who first turned their waters sour
• B: I just swim here, man
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• Colfax sixth grader Carson Dempsey doesn't really do anything
• He's bad at sports, hates theater, and couldn't art and craft his way out of a cardigan sweater
• So after a long school year of lost water bottles and mid report cards, Carson's parents had no idea what to do with him over summer break
• "He's too young to get fired from the ice cream stand and he's too old to make all the other kids wait for him at golf camp" said Bill Dempsey, Carson's dad
• Hope was lost until one day Carson's mom dragged him along grocery shopping and he discovered the Final Boss Sour Ultimate Arcade Display near checkout at the Newton Hy-Vee
• Carson had been a Final Boss Sour fan for months, begging his mom for every new flavor and bundle. But seeing the arcade display in person stopped him in his tracks
• Carson now rides his bike to Hy-Vee every day and "plays" the game in his head
• "It took me 18 fake quarters to beat Strawberry Mango Level 2, but now I've banked enough credits to take on Bigwell in Sour Apple Level 4" he tells a concerned fellow shopper
• Abagail, Carson's mom, tells The Gazette "At least he's getting out of the house and using his brain. PSA to all moms of disaffected tweens: these displays are out in over 500 Hy-Vees across the midwest. Get involved!"
| LIVE SCENES FROM GOOBERLAND |
| ● LIVE | GOOBERLAND CAM 1 |
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| Local whale reports enclosed volcanic waters are "a safe space" |
| Zing of Fire, Gooberland |
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