Lewiston, ME resident Kerri Keefe is on a mission to reclaim the Thanksgiving spirit
Today, while Walgreens marks down their Halloween candy and begins to populate the Christmas aisle, Keefe is kicking off a movement to squeeze in some Turkey-day love
“Big candy is behind this holiday squeeze” says Keefe “There was never any Thanksgiving candy to jump on the Reese’s pumpkins and box out the Reese’s trees. But now that is changed with Final Boss Sour Cranberries”
Keefe claims that the cranberries, offered in three levels of sourness, represents the holiday spirit in that it is tolerant of people with different tolerances for sour
“Thanksgiving is less commercial than its shoulder holidays, but that must change. Starting with this commercial”
GOVERNMENT
FINAL BOSS FUMES OVER MEDIA TYPO
“Disgusting reporting from a cut-rate rag” shout-tweeted the Final Boss after reading Axiosarticle covering the news of Final Boss Sour’s seed financing (warning: paywall)
While the article was objectively quite favorable towards the company and its products, the line that set him off was “the Final Boss Sour, described as a jar of expired pickles”
“I was trapped for 80 years inside a jar of expired pickles! And now the media wants to define me by my prison!” said the boss
Indentured servants to the petulant strongman say that when he read the line he threw his breakfast plate of grapefruit and fermented toast against the wall and began issuing threats to all involved
“I’m going to goLevel 3 on these disloyal thugs. Anyone who writes for, advertises with or casually reads this propaganda will be candidates for my ‘sour palate cleansing’ program for those who need to re-train their taste for truth”
HEDGE FUND BETS BIG ON PRODUCTIVITY OF KIDS WHO ATE SOUR FRUIT FOR HALLOWEEN
Fairfield, CT hedge fund Cutcorner Capital spent all week gobbling up call options on the November 1st productivity of kids they suspected ate Final Boss Sour instead of traditional candy on Halloween Night
Managing Director Tripp McFall explains his winning strategy:
Last few years, we’ve been going triple short, betting against childhood school productivity on the day after Halloween. It’s been a homerun as sugar hangovers and mass tummy aches have predictably left teachers with few options to get their students engaged
Only now even the ladies at the hair salon want to get in on the trade, so the borrowing costs have skyrocketed
But this year, my analyst Buddy Fox bought some Amazon data on the kids who are most likely to choose Final Boss Sour dried fruit snacks over Twix and Twizzlers
So now, while all the bagholders are going short, we are triple long on the kids that are showing up to school clear-eyed and powered by natural sour
In early hours trading on the “kid productivity exchange” the bet seems to be paying off handsomely
